Bullies, Bullying and Blogging...

Gone are the days of stealing lunch money and shoving kids into lockers; today’s bullies are technologically-wise, using cyberspace as their playground of torture.

 Bullying has become, not only much more widespread, but much easier. Immediately stop thinking it's just the 'nerdy' boys with rolled jeans who are falling victim to bullying (think Ian and Wyatt in Wierd Science; or Duckie in Pretty in Pink) or the beautiful, blonde cheerleaders who are the bullies (think Mean Girls).


As a parent of teenage girls, I am all too familiar with bullying—cyber and otherwise. Despite keeping my daughters involved in extracurricular activities and encouraging healthy friendships, both of my daughters have, at one time or another, fallen victim to a bully.

There is nothing worse than feeling powerless as a parent to protect your child.


In the spring of 2009, I was in my office when I received a call from my daughters’ school; one of my daughters had been yanked, by her hair, to the cafeteria floor. This spring (2010), the school called to say that one of my daughters had chocolate milk poured over her head. While both of these acts of bullying fall into the “old-school” type of bullying, don’t be fooled. For weeks before the escalation to physical assault, my daughters had complained of abusive MySpace, Facebook and text messages. Prank calls to their cell phones—from blocked numbers—had my husband and me seriously considering the termination of our daughters’ cell phone contracts and Internet privileges. However, the only persons hurt by these actions would be Melanie and Miranda---the victims of cyber-bullying.

Cyber bullies send threatening text messages, record mean YouTube videos, write cruel messages on Facebook and MySpace walls – teasing and taunting with hateful, derogatory words. In most cases it isn’t just one cyber bully, it’s a group — they gang up on their target with just a few clicks on the keyboard. And their bullying isn’t limited to the confines of school; remember, it’s on the Internet. Coupled with (old-school) Mean Girl antics at school, these bullies can emotionally and psychologically drive their victims to the edge.

It would be remiss of me not to mention that both of my daughters sought adult help from the school resource officer and the principal(s), prior to the attacks. Unfortunately, the school’s hands are often tied when it comes to cyber-bullying. Sadly, it wasn’t until a physical assault took place that the school could react.

In both of these instances of bullying, I was shocked to receive the call s from the school. Both times, I drove the twenty-five miles back to Cortland, at somewhat high speeds, to find my daughters sitting, waiting for me, in the nurse’s office. To say that I was furious would be an understatement. I felt like the mother bear that needed to protect her young cubs—I was poised for the “kill.” Thank goodness principals are somewhat trained to deal with these feelings of rage, because, in both instances, I was immediately pulled into the principals’ offices and told what punishment was being served to the bullies. While this did little to appease me, it did calm the rage I was feeling long enough for me to regain my wits.

After the first [hair-yanking] assault, I did attempt to speak with the parents of the bullies and, during my attempt, remembered what I’d learned years ago about bullying—that parents do play a role in it. One mother reacted as if what had happened were “no big deal;” another, said that my daughter “deserved” [the hair yanking]. I was dumbfounded. Had these parents not read Rachel Simmons’ Odd Girl Out; Rosalind Wiseman’s Queen Bees and Wannbes? Did they not GET what was happening and what type of behavior they were encouraging in their daughters? It left me thinking “WTF?”

I put myself in the place of the parents I was attempting to communicate with and came to the conclusion that I would be mortified if my daughters had bullied someone; I would be apologetic, empathize and attempt to make amends by encouraging a healthy relationship between the girls. Sadly, my realization conquered me like a crashing wave against a rocky shore—part of the reason that these girls bullied and escalated the bullying to physical assault was because they knew the only consequences they would face were those handed down by the school, which amounted to a few days off while serving an out of school suspension. There would be no repercussions from their parents; they would be allowed, possibly encouraged, to continue the bullying through cyberspace. Both times, this is exactly what happened.

As parents, we do play a role in our children’s’ behavior. If our children bully others, it is our responsibility to recognize the behavior for what it is and to stop it—not reinforce it. Of course, encouraging our children to “turn the other cheek,” and seek adult help/guidance may not always seem like the best course of action at the time. I am embarrassed to admit that for weeks, a part of me secretly wished that one or both of my daughters had reacted differently. I imagined my daughters delivering a swift right hook to the bully or a  karate-kid type kick to the chin. Thankfully, these violent thoughts were brief and allowed me to see how senseless a violent reaction would’ve been. In the end, I am proud of my daughters for the way they handled things—they walked away from the situation and sought adult help. They didn’t respond to the cyber-bullying with cheeky retorts; they reported the incidents to my husband and me and to the school. Eventually, the worst of it stopped.

Teenage girl bullying is a very complex, very deep topic; far too much to cover in this morning’s blog so I leave you with this; a list of the books on my bookshelf, which should be required reading for any parents of girls (or boys!).

Odd Girl Out and Odd Girl Speaks Out….Rachel Simmons

Queenbees and Wannabes...Rosalind Wiseman

Girl Wars: 12 Strategies that will End Female Bullying...Cheryl Dellasega and Charisse Nixon
Mean Chicks, Cliques and Dirty Tricks...Erika Sheeran Karres

The Bully, the Bullied, and the Bystander: From Pre-School to High School-How Parents and Teachers Can Help Break the Cycle...Barbara Coloroso

The Curse of the Good Girl...Rachel Simmons

And, just so you know, my daughters are not perfect; they give me a run for my money and, often leave me wanting to pull my hair out, which is why I just logged onto Amazon.com to order a book I'd recently heard referenced on NPR...The Princess Bitchface Syndrome by Michael Carr-Gregg--should make for interesting reading, don't you think?